Cold Day Walking to School

During this week we were given a scenario and we had to write a first paragraph to the story. The scenario was 

You have to walk to school, you are late, you haven't had breakfast and it is freezing outside.

We had to write it then check the check-list and re-write the paragraph.

Paragraph 1

I left the house freezing cold, walking to school was supposed to be fun but the wind was brisk and my stomach was starting to rumble. I had tried to get a ride to school but Mum clearly said, “The car is frozen, covered in ice you will have to walk unless you can get the ice off!” By the time I had finished trying to get the ice off the car, I was late to school and Mum wasn't ready so I really had no choice but to walk.

Paragraph 1 Re-written I left the house freezing cold, the wind was brisk and my stomach was starting to rumble. I had tried to get a ride to school but Mum clearly said, “The car is frozen, covered in ice you will have to walk unless you can get the ice off!” By the time I had finished getting the ice off the car, I was late to school and Mum wasn't ready so I really had no choice but to walk.

Is My Writing Effective?	√
Are my paragraph/s about one MAIN idea?	√
Do my paragraph/s have more than one sentence?  (usually 2-4)	√
Are the sentences connected and build up the MAIN idea?	√
Do my sentences in my paragraphs begin in different ways?	√
Are the sentences varied?  e.g. in length, in complexity	√
Have I used different types of sentences?   e.g Statements(.) Questions(?) Exclamations(!) OR Speech (“ “)	√
Have  I carefully chosen words/vocabulary in my sentences?	√
Do my sentences and paragraphs meet the purpose?	√
Do my sentences/paragraphs appeal to the reader/audience?	√
Have I checked my writing for grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors?	√